I Thought I Knew God

This is a letter I wrote a while back to minister to people behind bars.  It captures my transformation while still behind bars myself.  I hope it can be a blessing for you or for someone you know that could use a different perspective.  It is simply a plea…a human cry to the lost…I do not apologize for it’s simplicity or it’s presentation as it was inspired by the Spirit and is meant for a specific audience.  It is the theology of God’s love; it is not meant to propogate doctrine, doxology, denomination, or systematic theology…it is just raw, “in your face” truth.

I really thought I knew Who He was. I had read about Him: how He created man and all that is in the earth, how He lives in Heaven, how he tossed Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, how He caused the flood, how he chose Abraham to start the nation of His people, how He did many wonders throughout ancient times, how His prophets could predict the future, and how He sent His Son to the earth to die for our sins. The rest is just filler to prove He really exists. He is way up there and I am way down here. What I didn’t understand was my relationship to such a high and mighty being. Oh, I believed in Jesus, and all the beliefs that go along with it. I was a believer. But how my life was actually affected by my belief in Jesus, I could not figure.

What difference did God make in my life? None, except I thought I would end up in Heaven instead of hell. I knew God had a standard of right and wrong that I needed to follow. I figured if God wanted me, He would just let me know. If He drops me a line, I will do what He wants me to do. Would I even have a choice: Turn down the will of God? I don’t think so. “I am here if You need me”. But He never bothered me with His business, except He always kicked my butt when I screwed up. Nice…thanks. If being a Christian was so great, why am I so miserable most of the time? Oh, there were points when He really made Himself known to me, but those times were short and sweet and faded into hazy memories after a while. I know He is there, and I’m pretty sure He will let me in through the pearly gates. Awesome, but what about the in-between time? This pretty much sucks, waiting for relief from all this pain and disappointment by dying and moving on at last. I had heard some preachers talking about an abundant, blessed life, but inevitably it required giving them my money. The only voices I heard were conflicting voices that cancelled each other out. I remembered Jesus saying that a “divided house could not stand”. So why do these Christians divide into so many denominations and religions? Cloudy business I tell you. What a mess. So I went on my way, dismissing the importance of God in my day-to-day life. I kept Him tucked away for special occasions. That was until I was awakened…
A man wandered across my path one day and felt compelled to let me know some additional details about this God. At first, he sounded really naïve and a little school-girl giggly. This guy was acting like he was in love, like he was in puppy love. It made him seem goofy to me and didn’t really take him seriously except for a challenge he gave me. He said that God was lonely and created man to be His friend. So they could hang out and stuff. Walk and talk together, laugh together, and love on each other. He couldn’t make us love Him back or there would be no value in it; He made us with the choice to love Him, called free will. The choice to love God back was His desire: His heart’s desire.
Alrighty-then. That doesn’t sound anything like the God I knew; I mean, I guess that could be part of it. But what about all the other stuff I knew about God? How did what this guy have to say, line up with what I already knew? I started down a slippery slope when I decided to get to the bottom of this puzzle. I set out to basically prove the guy’s perception was skewed and not altogether true; what ended up happening, was that I got slapped by Truth! I hate when that happens; it’s embarrassing.
The only way I can describe what I found is through my own understanding, and the only way I can communicate to others is by giving them a clouded version because words cannot do it justice. I will tell you what I’ve been taught, but I have no choice but to leave out some details. There are many deep mysteries. Some things are best left unsaid for many reasons. One reason is that each person must discover these things on their own. I mean, I could describe to you how it felt to be flying down a mountain on skis; I could describe what it felt like to catch a perfect wave, or how it feels to sky dive. But unless you experience it for yourself, you really can’t know it purely. The second reason is that just because I know something doesn’t give me the right to say it. Some things would be confusing if you hear them for the first time. There is a progression that is a path lit step by step, not all lit up in front of you at one time. It is too much. The third reason is quite simply I don’t know much; and what I do know, I don’t know how to express. I will do my best and see if this speaks to you. You can choose for yourself whether I’m full of crap or telling you the Truth. I cannot tell you my version of the truth; that is against the rules. I am compelled to tell you the Truth or my soul could be in danger! So decide for yourself whether I’m out of my mind or whether He is speaking directly into your heart of hearts. I have been shown things and taught things. With God as my witness, I will be His messenger as best I can.
Ever see the movie, The Matrix? There is a theme in that movie that points in a direction similar to my direction. The main character is living in a world that seems normal, but something has changed in his world. He becomes aware of something just not right; he starts to hear a different sound echoing through his existence. When the end of act one comes to a close, he is faced with a choice: take this pill and see the truth or take this other pill and go on with his perceived life as usual. He can’t help himself; he chooses to know the truth. He soon finds out that his perceived reality was a sham, a fake. We are in the same boat, so to speak. I knew something was wrong with my life; I figured there was something more but just didn’t know what. I think most, if not all, people feel the same way either from time-to-time or constantly like a disease. If you feel it constantly and can’t escape that nagging feeling of futility and uselessness, then you are in very good company. Most people who are alcoholics, drug users or have escape-ism tendencies are haunted people; they are chased by a truth calling out to them but refuse to hear it and turn around. I think a lot of us hear it, recognize it, but feel unworthy of it and assume it was meant for someone else. We have somehow been scarred or marked by life in such a way that “normal” life just isn’t an option: it would be too boring or too painful. The desire to flee from reality is consuming.

There are other people too, who fill their lives with money and belongings, sex, power, or any other substitute. These people are trying to fill a void they have: a hunger for something. Some know they have a void; and others do not. At some point in their life, if they are honest, they will admit that it was or is all for nothing. Do any of us really think in our deepest being that we get a set amount of time and then it’s over? How will we feel when it’s over? Do we lose our soul to silence? If you were never born, would you feel sad about it? But how could you be sad if you never existed anyway? Close your eyes and pretend to not exist or try to imagine not ever existing. Some people have committed suicide because the silence called out to them; a way to make it all stop. The answer to the problem is life, but never addressing the problem is death. For some, they think there is no problem; until they face death…
I hope all who read this decide to take the Truth “pill”. If you prefer darkness, then this is not for you: God exists; He is the beginning and the end, He is eternal, His thoughts are above our thoughts, it is impossible to comprehend Him fully and know His ways. He created man to fellowship with as a complete being (in His own Image as spirit, as a physical being, and as an intelligent mind). The curiosity of man, combined with free will caused man to make a very bad choice: the choice to try to understand Him, to understand His blueprints: good and evil, black and white, on and off, light and dark. We chose logic; we chose the confines of the created instead of the boundlessness of the Creator. Remember when I told you that the purity and beauty of love is the choice to love, according to that guy? Of what value is it for the creation not to have a choice in whether they loved the creator or not? There would be no real love; only a commandment to love.
Imagine if you will, that in the year 2115, a person could create their perfect mate. You, as a man, could make that person to the exact specifications of your desire. Maybe a woman 5’10”, weighing 110 pounds, blonde hair, blue eyes, and whatever else would be your desire. The geneticist also tailor-makes her personality, her tendencies, her sense of humor and most of all she is programmed to love you and to be loyal to you. Awesome! After bringing home your new mate, you at first are just loving life: willing sex whenever you please, good food prepared for you, the house always clean, foot-rubs, back-rubs, anything you want and everything is going along great. But after some time has passed, she will begin to annoy you. You realize she doesn’t have a choice in the matter; she has to do whatever you ask. In your eyes, she begins to feel more like a machine. After a while, you begin to take her for granted and will become bored with her like any other technology. If she can’t choose to love you, then what is the value in that? Notice in your life how powerful love is or was. It is one of those intangibles that make life valuable and precious; and if we don’t feel loved ourselves, we feel meaningless as well. So basically, the made-to-order mate doesn’t work because there is no real essence in it. But in our real lives, love is the barometer of happiness. Why? Because people have to choose to love; by someone loving you, they have made a choice to love you and you now have been blessed by that love. Because it didn’t come from you; it came from them. They may be returning your love, but they choose whether to love you back or not. God loves us unconditionally; He wants to be loved back. It is His desire.
You see, God in His goodness, made us free. He did it so that we may bless Him with our choice to love Him back. Otherwise, we would be a rock, or a drop of rain, or a leaf on a tree. It wouldn’t really matter to Him; you would simply be another part of His creation.

But we aren’t just another part of His creation. His creation on earth is for us, as a gift, a symbol of His unconditional love for us. Man chose to corrupt it as explained above. Now there was a problem. The devil, seeing us as prey and a way to get back at God, seeks to destroy man because the devil hates God. He was a creation of God too; why should man be given so much? Satan is an angel, the most beautiful of all of God’s angels. If anyone deserved an intimate relationship with God; it was he. Satan wanted to make himself equal with God; and when God placed man in such a way as to have fellowship with Him, this was the spark that sent Satan on a mission. The mission: destroy man. Create enmity between the two: divide man from God. By the way, he is doing a damn good job.
God created man in His image: He created us with a spirit because God is spirit. God teaches us that because He is spirit, He wants to be talked to in the spirit, worshiped in the spirit, known by the spirit; and none of us can change the nature of what He has created within us. The ultimate reality is that God loves us so much that He is fighting with all He has to get us back without forcing our will. He desires you and I as a father desires his children, but He can’t make us desire Him. The enemy is hard at work making you believe in this alternate reality you are living in right now: the earth is fallen and only a shadow of what is was intended to be. You are caught in a clash and a war over to whom you belong: will you choose to be God’s by embracing that spiritual part of yourself He created or will you choose the illusion of mortal existence set before you by the enemy and your own limited thoughts? As God as my witness and as your longing heart as my witness, this is the Truth.
Because God is good, it is impossible for Him to be in the presence of evil; it is His kryptonite if you will. God has a plan, though; and it involves all of us. Very few men were able to commune with God after the fall because of sin. So He appropriated a system for man to follow so that we could stay close to Him in a fallen world and in our fallen state. The Law was born. Understand here, man was not made for the law; but rather the law for man: the law was a gift to man from God, so we could still be together. So many people think that the Law is meant to keep us in line. It is not meant to keep us weighted under law; but rather, to allow us into His presence. The whole system points to a deeper reality: the reality that no matter what we do to keep the law, designed to keep us close to Him, we are unable to keep it because we had lost the spiritual connection that made the law understandable to us. Without the spiritual understanding, we just didn’t get it. But in His divine nature, He points to the solution all through His Word. We were unable to remove the sin and blindness from our eyes. There was nothing we could do to see Him again.

But the Truth is this: God decided to visit us here on earth as a man and speak to us on our level. Jesus Christ was God in human form. Here for one reason and one reason only; to give us a way back to Him and His love, a re-uniting of old friends; a way back to our spiritual roots. So you see, the reality that you and I live in is only a shadow of the true reality! God wants us back so bad, that He gives us Himself as a sacrifice for the removal of sin. He appropriated Himself to pay your debt, just so He could get you back. He paid the price that we could not. He came down here, showed us the reality of the spiritual realm, was rejected by man, was slain as a perfect man, and conquered death to show that man is meant to be reconciled to God as a complete being. All this pain and suffering, death, evil, confusion, depression, all of it is not of God: we did it to ourselves and God allowed it. God is light, beauty, love, mercy, kindness, and everything good. This corrupted world, following the lies of the enemy and of our own creation, is all passing away. All that will remain in the end of this age is God, His perfect creation, and those that choose Him. The hard of heart are lost and damned by their own choice, and so is the fate of the fallen angels as well. God doesn’t condemn you to hell out of His own will; Satan and a sinful heart convince you to join in a crafty lie and trick you into making the wrong choice. Satan wants to drag as many as will believe his lies to hell with him. Why? Because Satan hates man with every fiber of his being and thinks you are a curse because God chose you to be His children of Light and he cannot partake himself: bitterness.
After Christ came to earth, and accomplished His mission, the battle was really on! Now man could approach God in a very real and personal way again through faith in Truth. Power was available to man as a spiritual being again. The light of Jesus’ Truth was shining all around and spreading like wildfire. The battle rages as I write this; the epic war of all wars is being waged at the very second you are reading this. Is Truth beginning to penetrate the darkness in your heart? Do you feel the spirit in your heart beginning to quicken? Am I getting through? Truth is Truth, whether you believe it or not. Truth exists with or without you recognizing it. Truth stands unmovable because it just is. God’s purest name is Yahweh: the great “I AM”. Truth just might be the great “IT IS”. Does your heart recognize it? If you have the wisdom to choose correctly, choose the right “pill”. If not, go back to sleep…if you can.
The choice to wake up is totally in your hands. If you choose the ultimate reality, you will have to re-learn everything you know about existence and life. A “do-over” if you will. You have to be born again, spiritually. You wake up from the great lie as a spiritual baby. It is an indescribable path to walk, and you will never be the same. Please realize, contrary to some, the gift of the Truth is not just eternal life. Being saved and recognizing the Truth is only the first step. If you notice in nature, which animals do predators usually attack? The babies and injured, right? When you step into the light, God sees you but so does the enemy! Once you choose to know the Truth, you must commit to the journey. You can receive the Gift, but never open it! Unwrapping the Gift is called “seeking”; so we Christians are “seekers” not takers. If you accept the correct path, you will suffer if you don’t walk that path. Satan wants to put out that light (the Light of Christ in you) as soon as possible. That was my problem: I felt I’d received a gift but never opened it or knew anything about it and the Devil ate my lunch. I was more lost than ever. Are you up for the challenge? If you can hear with your heart, the voice of God’s love calling you to life, then you need to join us and be ready to fight in this battle for Truth. I’ll give you a word of wisdom: we don’t battle with knives, guns, violence, or death; we battle with the spiritual weapons of Truth, love, hope and life. It is a whole different game than what I thought. It will be strange to you as well, because you will be a baby waking up from the womb. You will need to be fed to grow strong. You will need instruction in the Way. Do not be discouraged, we are here for you! Come join us.
So you see, when I thought I knew God; I was wrong, dead wrong. One never completely knows God, but what I do know is that He loves me and is my everything unto eternal life with Him now and forever. I am so glad someone woke me up. Every day is new and one step closer to the coming Kingdom. Realize please, that the time left for this generation is growing short. Very short. There is a great need to wake as many people up as possible before the return of the King. When He returns to earth, it will be too late for those who chose the world with their heart. It is my sincere and burning desire to help save as many as possible, and that is why I have written this knowledge as easily and straightforward as I could. The Bible or the Word of God is the real source of God’s Truth, but Satan has closed the eyes and hardened the hearts of people to where they won’t even approach the Scriptures. Talk about “hidden in plain sight”! So I have given you the essence of The Message and urge you to begin the journey where it is meant to begin: in His Word and in prayer. We are here to help, but nothing can replace the experience of skiing down that mountain with the Holy Spirit, catching the perfect wave of Wisdom, and skydiving with your Best Friend.
Please don’t believe the liar. There is nothing you can do to escape God’s love. The greatest lie ever told was that you are too far gone to come back to God. Another good lie is that there is plenty of time; don’t worry about it until you are ready. Both are loads of horse crap! If you decide to follow Christ and us on this journey, God will show you what terrible and crafty lies both were. No one, and I mean no one is too far gone; it is just harder to convince them to wake up. It becomes almost impossible to convince some because they are so lost and blinded. No matter what you have done, and I speak Truth here, God will reach down to you in the twinkling of an eye. Guilt and lack of self worth are some of Satan’s best tools. I know; I’ve been there. I am surely one of the most accomplished sinners of all time! I won’t bore you with the details right now, but suffice it to say, if you’ve done it, I probably have as well. The spirit of man is eternal and purely from God. You can cover that light, dim that light, pee on that light, curse that light, refuse to acknowledge that light, and attempt to extinguish it with as much sin as you can muster; but it is still there. It may only be a little spark, but you know what they say about a spark, right?

Also, do not be confused by religion. Religion is a man-made weight too heavy to bear. Christianity is not a religion! Some have corrupted the Message into religion: another trap. Look around the whole scope of worldwide religions and they have one thing in common: you have to make yourself good or acceptable to a god before said god will have anything to do with you. This is Truth: it is impossible to make yourself good enough for the only true God. You were born into sin; you need to be born out of sin. You cannot will yourself out of sin; you cannot purify yourself with religious ceremony. The only way to be delivered from death is to accept God’s own sacrifice for that sin: His own Son’s payment for you, the bridge back to fellowship. You can’t do it on your own. Period. Don’t believe for a second that religion can save you; only Christ Himself can save us. And He wants you back. So if this has spoken to you, consider yourself notified. Come home, we beg of you, we need you.
Pass this letter along when you are finished with it. Many others are in need! You can’t keep what you don’t give away.
Peace be with you,


10 thoughts on “I Thought I Knew God

  1. Spoken like a true soldier of God. We must not confuse religion with God. Man’s words have no value to us in our spiritual plight, we must follow God’s words. He so freely gives to us, we have no excuse. God so wants that personal relationship with us, to be our abba father or Daddy! His mercy abounds and all we have to do is recognize it and turn to him. We may stray from him but he forever is standing right behind us waiting for us to come back to him. Nothing-NOTHING- can seperate us from his love.

  2. I had to hit share. I too am starting up my own Christian blog very soon and was delighted to read this. People have such a longing to understand, especially when they are in pain and trying to figure their life out and it is good that you could minister the truth so that they cling to salvation, and rid themselves of the devil’s tricks. Everyone can benefit from this.

    • Anonymous, thank you for your gracious comments. One thing I have learned: to be honest. We are tired of preaching and positive unattainables; we need real people sharing real stories. We need real salvation, real truth, and a real relationship with our most precious Lord. May you grow closer every day to the One worth the price of admission. The price is honesty, the price is the courage to look into the light and not fear, the price is small and the reward is an everlasting treasure. God bless you as you embark on your adventure into writing your testimony and sharing openly what the Lord has shown you secretly. We are blessed with the invitation to live forever starting this very moment.

      • This is anonymous again. I was inspired to write to you again regarding one part of your letter that I wanted to address. My name is Diana. It is kinda long so I’d prefer to e-mail you instead. please email me if you’d like to read it. It is just that I believe Jesus is the son of God and not God. dianagmoreno@sbcglobal.net

        • Anything that is unscriptural, I do not entertain. The trinitarian nature of God is above our understanding, but it is scriptural nevertheless. Jesus IS the son of God; He is also God…according to His own words as recorded in Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, and Revelation. One thing I stand firm on is this: I don’t try to understand God with my mind; I allow Him to reveal Hiself to me by His Holy Spirit in my heart. The Bible is my textbook, and the Holy Spirit is my teacher. The first verses in the book of John say, “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and THE WORD WAS GOD. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men…And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.” Now how Jesus could be the only begotten Son AND God is truly a matter that surpassess our feeble attempts to explain. I trust in the Lord and also know that some things are beyond our attempts to explain logically. The Bible also says that “the wisdom of man is foolishness to God” and that “God’s ways are not man’s ways”…I have some ideas and thoughts on the matter, but there is no point adressing a matter that I honestly feel I will never understand this side of eternity. Some people have a problem with believing the Holy Spirit is God as well! I just know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit are all in one and one in all. I cannot put into words why I know this; it has just been revealed to me in a special, spiritual way…they each have personalities (a human word that doesn’t quite capture the essence) and are truly a profound and awe-inspiring mystery. I know people want to have closure on the matter, but once you experience the love of God and He reveals Himself to you in your heart of hearts, the debate and need to intellectually “put God in a box” leaves you.
          The best way I can simply explain this mystery is to compare God to water: ice is ice, but still water; steam is steam, but still water; and liquid water is liquid water. Spiritual matters are best left to the inner workings of the Holy Spirit. If you want to really get a glimpse of God in His majesty, then read the Book of John and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal these things to you…God never, ever disappoints. He is faithful to answer these prayers for guidance, and He will reveal more than you ever thought possible! There are lots of examples of His nature all around us: the trinity of space, matter, and time; the mathematical trinity of eternal numbers, the biological trinity of DNA, RNA, and Proteins; Mind, Body, and Soul; and some of the very early writers of the church back in the 2nd and 3rd century have tried to explain the trinity in very beautiful ways (Origen, Iraneus, and Polycarp to name a few), and if you can handle the writings of the Desert Fathers, that can give you a glimpse into the incredible beauty of God’s nature. But you must understand that all of these attempts are but the tracings of shadows at best…the actual essence and nature can never be fully comprehended by the fallen, human intellect and I rather like it that way to be honest!
          Take up the issue of Christ’s nature with Him personally; He always answers prayers…He has never failed to amaze me even in the strangest of requests. The Holy Spirit is real and more than willing to visit you personally, that I promise because that IS Biblical.
          God bless you, and if you wish to e-mail me, you can at alvarezimc3@aol.com
          Thanks again for stopping by and I hope to hear from you again.

  3. Good post as usual, but a few comments: you state “I’ll give you a word of wisdom: we don’t battle with knives, guns, violence, or death; we battle with the spiritual weapons of Truth, love, hope and life.” I also think prayer is a spiritual weapon, a spiritual weapon used by the downtrodden since the days of Christ. I hope and think that prisoners have crafted many useful prayers over the course of their imprisonment.

    Also a quote from Monk Trofim on prison life:
    “Prison is the Monastery of the devil. It’s all just like a Monastery, only the other way around — we are taught humility, while there they cultivate pride.”

    • Thank you for your comments! Yes, sorry, I forgot to include prayer as a weapon…very true.

      Secondly, I am involved in prison ministry and I can assure you that it is a microcosm of the outside world. I can say with confidence that disciples that are made behind bars turn out to be amazing instruments of God! Both worlds exist in prison, but just extremes of both…extreme discipleship and extreme self-absorbtion.

      God bless you and continue to stop by. I will have some new material soon. As you know, I have been working on a book, but I have some things I want to share soon.

      • Thank you for your response; two questions:
        Is there a waiting list for your book?
        If you are discussing prison ministry, are you going to have a chapter on prisoner prayers?

        • Mr. Spencer, thank you for your continued support. The book I am working very hard on is about an upcoming (maybe already here in part) revival. I have been traveling around and doing a great bit of research on what the church (or body of Christ) needs to do to be ready for the next great move of the Holy Spirit. It is challenging and exciting to say the least. I have had to go back to the very beginnings of the church starting in Jerusalem and progress forward in time. A waiting list is not possible at this time because the work is not complete. When the transcript is finished, it will go to an editor, and then to be shopped around; I am not sure as to what type of format it will be presented. There are many options around these days: e-books, internet accessible, or hard copy. The Lord and I will cross that bridge as the work is closer to completion.
          My ministry necessarily must be seperate from the book. Maybe one day, I will write something on prison ministry and the planting of seed churches behind bars; as yet, I simply do not have enough experience in this area…but hopefully this year I will be able to dedicate more time to this facet of my walk with the Lord. There are many great books out there that focus on conversion and growth while in prison, many testimonies of people who have come out the other side of prison, and many books and publications that are designed to aid the person whose life is behind bars.
          As far as “prison prayers” are concerned, I think there really is no difference between outside prayers and inside prayers. We all to one extent or another live behind bars. Some are physical bars, some are prison cells of addiction, some are locked and dark places of our own pride. The benefit of being an actual, physically locked-up individual is that you can actually SEE the imprisonment…the tragedy is that there are people locked-up on the inside of themselves that cannot see their own prison.
          Freedom is on the inside, “the kingdom of God is inside of you”, joy comes from within from God whether you are sitting in a cell or not. So, in my estimation and from my own experience, I can honestly say that there should be no diffence between a prisoner prayer and any other Christian’s prayer! To be quite honest, I found it easier to pray while behind bars: there is a definite black and white, whereas most of our American lives are lived in a cloudy, grey area…you see where I’m coming from? I don’t mean any disrespect to you, but the obvious thing to me through my own experience is that when a man (or woman) suffers, that is the time that “tills the soil” or prepares the heart for the seed of hope, faith and love…the Holy Spirit is more tangible when we are suffering! Ironic as it might be, the Lord in His infinite wisdom knows when the heart needs His life-giving breath most experientially.

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